(The scene: A Walgreens somewhere in Wisconsin. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. Wisconsin, I mean. Everybody’s heard of Walgreens…)

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Patient One: “I can’t afford these darn pills. My prescription is way too expensive!”

Patient Two: “Mine too, doggone it. I wish we were Canadian… or better yet, Cuban.”

Patient One: “Is there a difference?”

Patient Two: “Sure! Canadians talk funny and drink a lot, and Cubans can tan easier because–”

Patient One: “No, I mean is there a difference between our health care system and theirs?”

[WHOOOOSH!] “There sure is, citizen!”

Both Patients: “Wow, it’s Super Doyle!”

[TRUMPET FANFARE]

Super Doyle: “Hello boys.”

Patient One: “Nice cape!”

Super Doyle: “Thanks. When I hide beneath it I become impervious to bullets, death rays, and public scrutiny.”

Patient Two: “Really?”

Super Doyle: “Well, I’m not entirely certain about the ‘bullets and death rays’ part, but my scrutiny protection has proven itself in election after election.”

Patient One: “What’s it made of?”

Super Doyle: “Newspapers, mostly. They’ve kept me safe for years. Say, I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about the cost of health care?”

Patient Two: “Heck yeah, Super Doyle. My pills are too expensive.”

Patient One: “Mine too. My Dad says it’s because we over-tax and over-regulate the drug companies in America, who pass their government-inflated costs on to the consumer.”

Super Doyle: “Hmm… how do I put this delicately? Son, your father… is a lying, evil, stupid, capitalist pig. He may even be what’s called a ‘Republican’.”

Patient One: [Lower lip trembling] “N… no! You take that back!”

Super Doyle: “There, there now. You have lots of surrogate Mommys and Daddys at the capitol building
eager to raise you properly. Something as important as paternalism can’t be entrusted to your so-called ‘parents’. Your real family is in Madison.”

Patient Two: “So, can you make our prescriptions less expensive, Super Doyle?”

Super Doyle: “You bet I can! It’s quite simple. Both of you, empty your pockets into my hands. There, you see? The two of you together have twice as much money as you did as individuals!”

Patient One: “But, we still need to buy enough medicine for the both of us.”

Super Doyle: “[Sigh] That ‘father’ of yours really got inside your head, didn’t he? Look kid, I’m not just taking money from the two of you. I plan to take it from everybody in the state!”

Patient One: “But… um…”

Super Doyle: “Oh for the love of– what now?”

Patient One: “It just seems like, everybody will still need health care, and it will still be expensive.”

Patient Two: “Wait a minute… I think I get it! If we put all the money in a big pile, everybody will have to line up to get their money back, right?”

Patient One: “Sure, I guess.”

Patient Two: “Well, my Grandma couldn’t last very long waiting in a line…”

Patient One: “Hey, mine either!”

Patient Two: “So lots of the people waiting in line for treatment will die, just like in–”

All Together: “…Canada and Cuba!” [Relieved sighs and laughter]

Super Doyle: “Now you’ve got it, boys. Remember my motto: Less Ambition…”

Patients: “…More Attrition!”

Patient Two: “It all makes sense now!”

Patient One: “Hey, you’re like… almost a hundred years old, Super Doyle. Aren’t you worried you’ll die waiting in line too?”

Super Doyle: “Don’t worry about me, big guy. I can afford to get in to see the doctor any time I want.”

Patient Two: “Gosh, how?”

Super Doyle: “[Chuckling] You might say, I have ‘reservations’.  Bye-bye for now, boys!”
[RE-WHOOOOSH!]

Both Patients: “Bye-bye Super Doyle!”

Patient One:
“Hey, Super Doyle left with my gas money! How am I supposed to get home?”

Patient Two: “Walk! It’ll make you healthier!”

Patient
One: “Gosh, Super Doyle thinks of everything. Sure beats having to think for ourselves.”

Patient Two: “It sure does, buddy. It sure does…”