MILWAUKEE, WI [ LINK : Chicago Tribune ] Using thousands of YOUR federal tax dollars, the Wisconsin DNR (Dangerous Nihilistic Renegades) has begun infesting our public woodlands with poisonous rattlesnakes.  Even worse, they’re using thousands of MY federal tax dollars, too.  Come to think of it, that’s WAY worse.

“It’s a native species, so we’re trying to restore it,” wildlife biologist Kris Johansen said. “Then there’s the research aspect. There might be some human benefits from them down the road that we don’t know about yet.”

Here’s the thing, Kris.  While indeed, there “might be” some sort of “benefit” to rattlesnakes, there “is be” a huge detrimental aspect:  they can freaking kill us! Perhaps you were absent that particular day in Biology College when they went over the downside of venomous fangs.  I’ll review for your benefit:  they’re friggin’ deadly, Kris!  Deadly!

The upside cited by the proponents of this idiocy are venom-derived medicines, like anti-coagulant drugs.  Okay fine, that’s perhaps an argument for a controlled breeding facility, but what the hell does that have to do with infesting the woods with poisonous snakes?  Does the DNR think that a hunter befallen by a coronary attack might have his life saved by the serindipitous bite of the benevolent Massasauga rattler?

“My left arm went numb, my chest felt tight, and I got reeeeal dizzy.  Luckily, I collapsed near a hollow stump in a shady area.  Once I heard the soothing hiss of that there rattle, I knew everything was gonna be alllll-right.”

Attention, you sadistic bat rastards at the Department of Numerous Reptiles:  I really didn’t need another reason to stay out of the woods, hey.  You had me at mosquitoes.  I seriously doubt that the DNR will rest until the only species that doesn’t roam the Wisconsin Wilderness is ‘Taxpayeris Skaredpoopyless’, more commonly known as: us.

Mountain lions, rattlers, and bears.  Oh my…