KENOSHA, WI [ LINK : WTMJ TV ]  When this story, about the unique apprehension of an armed suspect came across the radio this morning, two concurrent sentences caught my ear:

“The officer made contact with the subject with his vehicle, and ran into a porch” …and… “The suspect was found under a pile of debris”.

Frankly, more entries on the police blotter should start with “The officer hit the perpetrator with the squad car, and ran into a ___________” and end with “the suspect was found under a pile of”… something.  Any way you fill in the blanks, that’s going to be a happy story, with the criminal getting what’s coming to them.

Face it, nobody gets rammed with a squad car and lands in a pile of soft, fluffy pillows… or huge mounds of money… or a busload of soft, fluffy cheerleaders with huge mounds.  Of money.

No, the suspect is always going to land in a pile of whatever comprises the thing that was run into, ergo the inherent entertainment value.  In this case, he smashed into a porch, so he was likely buried under boards, nails, and an old sofa that was too ugly for the living room (but probably looked great out in FRONT of the house, hey).

The entertaining derivations of this scenario are nearly infinite and, have inspired this little “complete the phrase” game that is guaranteed to make your next long car trip seem shorter by… like… almost a minute.  G’wan, give it a try:

• “The officer struck the subject near the lakefront, drove him into Pier Wisconsin, where he was found under a pile of the DNR’s goose poo.”
• “…struck the subject near Milwaukee City Hall, drove him into the Elections Commission, where he was found under a huge mound of bogus ACORN voter registration forms.”
• “…struck the subject near the Governor’s Mansion, where he was found under investigation and indictment.”

I welcome your submissions.  The best entry I receive will, of course, be promptly deleted…