New York, NY [JG]  Did’ja ever notice that 60 Minutes is really only 42 minutes long?  I have.  The rest is all commercials.  And most of our stories are critical of “Corporate America”.

Ironic, isn’t it?

And if you count all the introductions, you probably only get about 26 minutes of actual journalism.  I mean, the anchors all introduce themselves.  Then they introduce the stories.  Then they poke their heads back in at the end of the story to say something dramatic.

Then, just as you start to nod off, a commercial for Viagra comes on, and everybody perks up.  At home, I mean.  Well, in the commercial too, I guess.

It’s a slow-moving show, 60 Minutes.  We fool you by showing a stopwatch that ticks off in milliseconds like a machine-gun: tikatikatikatikatikatic! …but I never fell for that.

I always knew it was a slow-paced program because they made me sit around ’til the end before I could do my shtick.  By then, I’d usually forgotten what it was I was going to talk about, so I’d just improvise and complain about nose hair, or wonder aloud if there’s a special name for the little plunger knob that stops up my bathroom sink.

I’d do that for about a minute, and then go home and wait for next week.

Everybody does impersonations of me.  Make fun of me all you want, but while most old white guys were cashing their Social Security checks to buy macaroni and cheese, I became a millionaire by ruminating about belly-button lint.

I promised myself I’d stay on the staff here until the show was over.  I suppose I broke that vow when I didn’t retire in 1986.  Well, it’s time to make good on that pledge so, good night America.

Now enjoy these words from the fine folks who make hemorrhoid cream, or whatever.  And buy some of it with your Social Security check, would’ja?  My pension depends on it…

If you knew 60 Minutes was still on the air,
please click whatever ad appears here –>
 
If not, please click twice…

Thanks for helping to support the Daily Scoff!

   Send article as PDF