The Naked Truth: Fox6 ‘Nudes’ Format Announced
MILWAUKEE, WI (UBS News) – A public relations announcement issued by the Fox News Corporation® today outlined plans to bolster ratings at their largest Wisconsin affiliate station by implementing a “clothing optional” policy for their news anchors at Fox6 Milwaukee, beginning with their 9 o’clock newscast.
Citing the popularity of their adult-focused evening programming, officials at the Fox Television network told reporters that the station would enjoy immediate financial benefits beginning with a slashing of the wardrobe budget.
“Hicks’ ties alone were killing us,” one station manager admitted. At the end of the day, it’s my job to look at the bottom line.”
“Nobody’s looking at my bottom anything,” a disgruntled Gus Gnorski was heard to mumble. “Modesty aside, I’m working with staple guns, dammit… staple guns! I’ll call OSHA if I have to. Maybe they’ll let me wear two hard hats.”
Meteorologist Vince Condella seemed equally unhappy with the announcement. “It’s cold in that studio,” he complained. “Frankly, I’m not predicting very many large, high-pressure fronts, if you know what I mean.”
Sadly,” Bart Adrian meekly added “I know exactly what he means. [Shudder].”
“I can hear the snide remarks from all the sports guys already: ‘Another cold snap, hey Bart-o?’ I mean… it’s not fair. Look, everybody else gets to sit down all night. Behind a desk!”
Others were not so pessimistic.
“I’ve got no problem with it,” sportscaster Tim Van Vooren chirped. “I don’t know many sportscasters who have any issues with appearing nude in front of a camera. Half of us paid our way through college like that. Marv Albert still has a job, for god’s sake.”
Brad Hicks was also reportedly very much in favor of the new format, but a report says that
his personal hairdresser has submitted her resignation, effective immediately.